A New Year, same old problems

Well for anyone out there who is interested in what's going on in my life these days, I am pretty much doing the same as last year. The only difference is that I have a job. I did have two jobs, but one was just as an extra hand durring the holiday season. The one steady job I do have is a delivery driver for Restaurants on the Run. It's okay for right now. But I hope to get something better soon.
Also, I am halfway into my Presidency with my club of San Mateo Lions. they are a good group, but on a day to day basis, I feel a lot of outside pressure to do more for my club. Like right now, I am under pressure to put on a movie night at the local Boys And Girls club of San Mateo. I know I have a co-chair who is my dad, but I seem to be doing all of the work. It's just about killing me. I just hope that everything will go smoothly on Friday.

Another Attack

Well I had another seizure like attack today. This one seems to be less about worry and more about not saying enough to people. I don't really talk with people because I don't want to seem rude. I want to make people happy, and the only way I know how to do this is by not interrupting others while they are speaking. This might include people who are annoying me, and they will not shut up about their own little worlds. I was taught by my parents to not interrupt others while they are speaking, including them, but sometimes the topics can just go on and on without stopping.

Speaking of parents, my Dad can be in my head a lot. His voice seems to be constantly yelling at me about the many possible screw ups that can occur. The "yelling" seems to be echos of when he yelled at me from other times. I guess they just carry over because they were so powerful.

Other things that were powerful memories for me as a kid seem to hold over into my adult hood. One of them is when I was caught in a room I was not supposed to be in. Another was of scheduling a haircut during school hours. I got a firm yelling on both of these occasions. Being haunted by theses memories makes me feel awkward and they rule over me. The other side of this is that of memories that might have occurred. These are scenarios that I play in my mind of things I might have done to people, but do not act on them for fear of the consequences. One of the most recent is of being caught by my room mate as I watched his porn collection. Others are of just mean things to do to people, like flipping the bird at my instructors. By thinking of the consequences, I self punish myself by not acting on them. I guess by holding in these acts and thinking of how bad I might get punished makes me have these seizure like symptoms.

Another thing that can get on my nerves is our dog, Scruffy. Scruffy is a very curious dog who can get into anything. The thing that annoys me the most about her is how she can't seem to make up her mind on wether she wants to be inside or outside the house. The reason that she wants to be outside is to either go to the bathroom, or to get into the trashcan that I just emptied from the kitchen to the trashbins outside. Her begging interups me in relaxing while watching television.

A final thought as to why I have these attacks is because of how frustrated I get at my computer being too slow. When I want to either open up a new window or blow it up to full scale, the way that it doesn't seem to respond frustrates the hell out of me. That just about does it. I feel a whole lot better now.

Anger Issues with my father

I had a huge bout of seizure like spells today. I'm not sure what causes these. Mom thinks they might be anger related to being yelled at by Dad. He treats me like a kid sometimes, and that makes me mad. But instead of yelling back at him, I just hold it all in, and that is what might be the cause of all the seizure like simptoms. The first time I had these, I did not think I was mad, just a little homesick.

I do seem to hold in a lot of my feelings most of the time. I guess I just want to avoid confrontation because of all the yelling. Yelling to me brings out a lot of bad feelings and just brings people down, especially me. I guess I just want to feel happy instead of sad because I feel better. I think the whole world would be a lot better without sadness because everyone can get along.

My brother-in-law Mike says that the "Borlands" do not really talk; they just assume what everyone else is up to. I guess that he is right because the Borlands don't talk, we just assume everything is okay with everybody, and it would be okay to come to things uninvited. There is no plan of action, only last minute warnings. I think that is so true. I know that sometimes with Dad, he doesn't talk with me about certain ideas that he wants to get done. He only explains to me at the last minute, and I hate that. I will try and talk with him tonight. Maybe that will ease up the tension between us, and I can feel better.

A few new thoughts

Well blog fans, I'm back and raring to go. I do want to mention that I will be here to tell of my many exploits and daily reviews of different things that are happening to me. The only thing I am currently writing is a short story about a man who kills people on a night hike. It should be very scary, and I hope I can finish it soon, so that everyone can enjoy reading it. I am also researching for my epic poem about half gods from another world. I'm sure it will look great once it is finished. Take care now, Ron

My last entry for this class

Wow, I can't believe I am at the last entry for this class. The time sure has flown by. I remember when this was just a blogging assignment for another class, and I decided to continue with it for this class. I am so glad I did. With each entry I put in, my thoughts became more organized, and I got a better reflection on how to deal with my problems. I even used it to get ideas for different stories to tell. The most prominent one is the idea for a epic poem where an evil dictator rules over a land inhabited by demigods. Everyone around me thought the style was similar to James Cameron's Avatar. I kind of agree with them. This is especially seen in the earliest blogs. My goal for those was to get an overall story arc within the six entries that were required. I feel that I didn't quite get there, but I had a good start. I discontinued with those entries because I became involved with telling of my everyday living, as well as reflect on the readings for the week.
The readings were a great thing to have because of how much I learned in how to do a journal. I wish we had read entries out of Anne Frank's diary. I have seen the play, but it just would be nice to read what she had going on in her daily life. The best readings were Franz Kafka and John Steinbeck. These styles seemed more relaxed than others.
My goal now is to continue telling of what happened to me, as well as getting the stories I have in my head onto the computer screen. Something that has happened to me was preparing my finals for other classes, and finding a lot of good material to expand on. The best is a story about a night hike from hell, complete with blood and guts. The story is called Natural Scares Inc., and it is going to rock.

Fernando Pessoa, a man of disquiet

Fernando Pessoa is the most interesting writer I have ever read. In the excerpt of his book, The Book of Disquiet, there's a character who seems a little too philosophical for just an assistant book keeper. His philosophical ideas make the reader stop and think about how much the world really is like. He mentions in part 133, that all fighting seems to be just a blind force that is "like murdering with either a knife or murdering with a dagger." You know that the problem is big, but just how big, nobody can tell. In section 263, he had the most interesting topic about Tedium, where your soul is in a kind of void. This is so how my life is right now. My body is in this kind of slump with my soul being out without me. I know it's called Senioritis, but it still feels weird.
He also seems alone most of the time. I guess that if you are alone with your thoughts, then strange thoughts can come about. This made me draw back to when I was working for the summer at my mother's flooring business. There was one week that I really became alone, with no one around to be with. I spent time working on repricing some of our products. This was followed by a lot of HULU.com, YouTube, and reading a lot. The situation was that our estimator had to be out of town for the week, which means that there was no money coming into the place. There were some days where I felt I should just have the store closed until he came back. But I persisted, and found that things got better as soon as he returned.

Mother's Day

Well this Mother's Day was just great. I have never seen my mother be so happy. I unfortunately did not give her any cards or gifts this year. I did not even make her a breakfast of blackened bacon, crusty toast, a droplet of orange juice, and enough eggs to feed a small army. The one nice thing I did do was wish her a "Happy Mother's Day!" That is all she really is looking for. I did get a gift, but it is just a book that I am passing on to my sister, who is a mother. The book is one that I have been reading a little at a time. It's an anthology collection of Irma Bombeck stories. I know in her household she could use a good laugh.
So before I had a chance to give my gift to my sister, I went with my mother and father to a tea place called "Lovejoy's." It is a tea shop and antique store across the street. It was a lovely time. They had little sandwiches, fruit, salad, and petite fours. All with sparkling water infused with pomegranates.
After the lunch, it was time to see the nephews. William was really excited about a special gift all for him, a portable ball pit with a small tunnel to get in and out of. The setup of this structure is like that of a tent, with poles to hold everything in place. The only difference is that there is a flap in the back for the tunnel. Inside the ball pit is where the balls go. He was so excited, he did not even wait for it to be erected. He charged inside as soon as the package was opened. To him, this was the coolest thing to have. He was having so much fun, that his brother Jake wanted to come in. But William would not allow it. The only person allowed inside was his Uncle Ron. So, as soon as dinner became ready, the ball pit moved into the other room. After dinner, Mom, Dad, and I went back home. I'm sure to get something for my mother for next year.