Another Attack

Well I had another seizure like attack today. This one seems to be less about worry and more about not saying enough to people. I don't really talk with people because I don't want to seem rude. I want to make people happy, and the only way I know how to do this is by not interrupting others while they are speaking. This might include people who are annoying me, and they will not shut up about their own little worlds. I was taught by my parents to not interrupt others while they are speaking, including them, but sometimes the topics can just go on and on without stopping.

Speaking of parents, my Dad can be in my head a lot. His voice seems to be constantly yelling at me about the many possible screw ups that can occur. The "yelling" seems to be echos of when he yelled at me from other times. I guess they just carry over because they were so powerful.

Other things that were powerful memories for me as a kid seem to hold over into my adult hood. One of them is when I was caught in a room I was not supposed to be in. Another was of scheduling a haircut during school hours. I got a firm yelling on both of these occasions. Being haunted by theses memories makes me feel awkward and they rule over me. The other side of this is that of memories that might have occurred. These are scenarios that I play in my mind of things I might have done to people, but do not act on them for fear of the consequences. One of the most recent is of being caught by my room mate as I watched his porn collection. Others are of just mean things to do to people, like flipping the bird at my instructors. By thinking of the consequences, I self punish myself by not acting on them. I guess by holding in these acts and thinking of how bad I might get punished makes me have these seizure like symptoms.

Another thing that can get on my nerves is our dog, Scruffy. Scruffy is a very curious dog who can get into anything. The thing that annoys me the most about her is how she can't seem to make up her mind on wether she wants to be inside or outside the house. The reason that she wants to be outside is to either go to the bathroom, or to get into the trashcan that I just emptied from the kitchen to the trashbins outside. Her begging interups me in relaxing while watching television.

A final thought as to why I have these attacks is because of how frustrated I get at my computer being too slow. When I want to either open up a new window or blow it up to full scale, the way that it doesn't seem to respond frustrates the hell out of me. That just about does it. I feel a whole lot better now.

Anger Issues with my father

I had a huge bout of seizure like spells today. I'm not sure what causes these. Mom thinks they might be anger related to being yelled at by Dad. He treats me like a kid sometimes, and that makes me mad. But instead of yelling back at him, I just hold it all in, and that is what might be the cause of all the seizure like simptoms. The first time I had these, I did not think I was mad, just a little homesick.

I do seem to hold in a lot of my feelings most of the time. I guess I just want to avoid confrontation because of all the yelling. Yelling to me brings out a lot of bad feelings and just brings people down, especially me. I guess I just want to feel happy instead of sad because I feel better. I think the whole world would be a lot better without sadness because everyone can get along.

My brother-in-law Mike says that the "Borlands" do not really talk; they just assume what everyone else is up to. I guess that he is right because the Borlands don't talk, we just assume everything is okay with everybody, and it would be okay to come to things uninvited. There is no plan of action, only last minute warnings. I think that is so true. I know that sometimes with Dad, he doesn't talk with me about certain ideas that he wants to get done. He only explains to me at the last minute, and I hate that. I will try and talk with him tonight. Maybe that will ease up the tension between us, and I can feel better.

A few new thoughts

Well blog fans, I'm back and raring to go. I do want to mention that I will be here to tell of my many exploits and daily reviews of different things that are happening to me. The only thing I am currently writing is a short story about a man who kills people on a night hike. It should be very scary, and I hope I can finish it soon, so that everyone can enjoy reading it. I am also researching for my epic poem about half gods from another world. I'm sure it will look great once it is finished. Take care now, Ron